Hi Lyndan, I didn't see the first version but after watching the video, I don't really want to pledge to the game. Firstly, you need to spend more time explaining the game, not just the storyline which you spent a few moments barely touching. I would first break down the game's genre and provide some information which a potential backer would like to know. You said the words "Great game" to describe it at one point. Why not show us what's great about it?
All the best for you Kickstarter. I started making games when I was 11, I went straight into making online games with Visual Basic 6, which is in hindsight - way too ambitious. I'm glad to see you guys are starting humble, and I'm sure that with hard work, you'll be making greater games soon enough!