Jokes thread

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Post » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:23 am

Everyone needs a laugh a day, it's healthy. Also, this may be the longest thread ever, so go go.


John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was hitchhiking on a dark night and in the middle of a storm. John could hardly see a few feet ahead of him, but he saw the headlights of an approaching car, travelling slowly towards him. When it stopped he was so desperate for shelter, he jumped into the car and closed the door. He turned to speak to the driver, but there was no-one in the car, and the engine wasn't even on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Too scared even to jump out of the car, he started to pray. Then just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John was paralysed with terror, and watched as the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. Eventually he saw the lights of a pub and gathering his strength he jumped out of the car and ran inside.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila, and then started to tell everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through. The bar became silent as they listened to his story. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked in, also wet and very out of breath. Looking around, they saw John at the bar, and one said to the other, "Look Bruce - there's that fucking idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it."
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Post » Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:22 pm

A mum and dad decide to make up some code word for talking about sex in front of thier 5 year old daughter. They come up with the word "typewriter" so the child will not understand what they are talking about.

One day, the father asks his daughter to "Go and ask your mother, if I can type a letter." She comes back and says "Mum said you can't, the typewriter is broken, it has a headache."

A few hours later the daughter tells her father "Mum just said that the typewriter is all fixed now."

The father replies "Tell your mother it's too late, I've already written the letter by hand."

~Sol
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Post » Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:36 pm

Want to hear a good joke?









Me too! :mrgreen:
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Post » Wed Feb 18, 2009 5:16 pm

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Post » Wed Feb 18, 2009 7:28 pm

Women's rights.
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Post » Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:54 pm

How do you know if your wife is dead??


Sex is still exactly the same, but the washing is piling up.

~Sol
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Post » Thu Feb 19, 2009 12:02 am

Thanks, I'll check next time I come over. :twisted:
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Post » Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:16 am

What's the difference between the Swiss Family Robinson and a Cement Mixer?

One mixes cement the other is a family trying to fend pirates off.
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Post » Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:19 am

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle, he said."

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."
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Post » Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:41 am

Q: What's brown and sticky?










A: A stick.
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