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Jokes thread - Scirra Forums

Jokes thread

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Post » Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:57 pm

A man finds his wife packing her suitcases and preparing to go.
"Honey, where are you going??"
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I hear the men there pay $500 for what I do for you for free."

Sometime later, she finds her husband, suitcases in hand and all ready to leave.
"And where are YOU going?"
"I'm coming with you. I want to see you live on $1000 a year."
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Post » Sat May 30, 2009 9:36 am

An old man hires a prostitute and takes her to his hotel room. She jumps on the bed and he takes off his clothes and walks towards the bed. She says not so fast old man, go put on a condom. So the old man goes into the bathroom and a bit later comes out with a condom on and is stuffing cotton balls into his nose and ears. She asks him why he was doing that and he replied, there are two things I can't stand, the sound of women screaming and the smell of burning rubber.
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Post » Fri Jun 26, 2009 4:25 pm

A penguin drives to a walrus mechanic, because he is experiencing car trouble.

while the car is in the shop, he takes a walk to a nearby ice cream shop. he orders vanilla.
since he is a penguin, and has stiff wings, instead of arms and hands, he makes a mess and gets ice cream all over his face.

he get's back to the shop to pick up his car,
and the walrus has just completed the diagnosis.

he says to the penguin, "it looks like you blew a seal"

and the penguin says, "oh, no, that's just ice cream."
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Post » Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:54 am

Man goes to doctor. Says he is sad. Doctor says "thats easy go see the great clown poliocchie, he will make you feel better."

Man breaks down crying.

Doctor Asks whats wrong?

man says "but doctor I am the great poliocchie"
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Post » Tue Jul 28, 2009 3:34 am

lol
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Post » Wed Jul 29, 2009 6:28 pm

Hahaha I had to watch that a couple of times to realise what exactly happened. xD


Anyway...


A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

~Sol
Tired of crappy file hosts that are crappy? Get DROPBOX - https://db.tt/uwjysXJF
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Post » Mon Aug 10, 2009 9:05 am

Hello to all..
I am new here and my name is Allen and really enjoy the jokes...
They are really funny thanks for sharing...
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Post » Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:24 am

What do you say to a Pyromanical Procrastinator?
"Quit arson around"

What do you call a vampire with a blood fetish?
A hemophiliac.

That's all I can think of...

Ever you chuckled at them, got a little grossed out by them, both, or nothing.
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Post » Tue Mar 09, 2010 12:55 pm

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Post » Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:10 pm

Last Day on the Job --

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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